


hazy

by TheMintPen



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, OT4, Polyamory, like so alternate this is made up universe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-17
Updated: 2016-08-18
Packaged: 2018-05-27 06:14:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6273010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMintPen/pseuds/TheMintPen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They call it the Hazy Effect or Haze, the mysterious phenomena that settles over a person when they haven't been in contact with the people important to them for a while. It happens to everyone once in a while but let it go on too long or be without someone too important to you and you could eventually lose you memory, but Tsukishima's never had that problem before. So, why are certain others concerned about it happening now?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It was a strange phenomenon, there was no denying that fact.

It was an even stranger phenomenon when the general population seemed to widely accept the strange phenomenon, after ‘numerous research studies and scientific tests funded by the government’. So, there was about a ten percent chance that it all could still be bullshit. As much as Tsukishima would like to believe in that ten percent chance (he held onto that tiny thread of disbelief and skepticism as long as he could) he had a hard time denying the possibility that the research was correct. That this thing they had dubbed the Hazy Effect really did exist.

It had all started up about a year ago, during his own freshman year of college. Most people expect college freshman, away from home and truly on their own for the first time, to experience at least a touch of homesickness. It was natural. It was also natural for college freshman to forget their classes, get lost around campus and forget where buildings where. It wasn’t so natural for upperclassmen to forget those things, and it certainly was not natural for students to suddenly forget who they were.

This wasn’t just plaguing the colleges though, it seemed to happening everywhere. For no reason people were forgetting things, about themselves, their lives, anything. It would range from people being hospitalized because they could not even recall what any part of their name was to people blanking out on the simplest of tasks twenty times a day.

These occurrences were not the strangest part though, it was what happened that ‘cured’ those who forgot, what made them remember.

Generally, most people just brushed off their memory lapses as being too stressed, too tired, working too hard, the typical excuse for poor health in any society. As soon as they got home and were able to relax with their families, friends or loved ones, they were fine. It wasn’t until the same thing happened with the college freshman that doctors and scientists began to make connections and form hypothesis. Healthy eighteen and nineteen year olds that had been essentially blank slates for weeks, for months, were suddenly back to their old selves the moment their family members came to visit them. They were all very confused as to why their mother, father, uncle, godmother, significant other, anyone important to them was clutching them tightly and sobbing something about their amnesia.

These episodes of memory loss continued to happen and seemed to follow the same sort of pattern. People would forget things, both little and big, but the moment they came into contact with those important to them everything would be alright. Everyone was baffled, confused, and slightly scared. They were all worried it was some sort of terrorist plot or bio-chemical agent that has been released into their drinking water, as was the logical conclusion. These fears lasted through the year it took for scientist and doctors to do their research into the memory lapses. They put every spare moment and every spare dollar into finding even the smallest possibly thing about it all so there could be some sort of ease.

Tsukishima himself can remember having his own little bouts of blackouts and memory losses, he never landed in the hospital as he always seemed to get a call from Yamaguchi or his family when he needed it. That seemed to be enough for him. The following year and official statement was released about the Hazy Effect, named for the fact that most people reported they felt as though they were trapped in a fog or thick haze during their episodes. The cause of it? Being away from those important to you for too long. That was it. That was the reason.

Some thought the idea stupid and untrue (this was the camp Tsukishima was in) others believed it right away and some were on the fence until they heard more information. The report continued on saying that when a person was away from those important to them for too long, be it family, close friends, loved ones, even a pet, they started forgetting things. The longer a person doesn’t have contact with their important ones, the more severe the memory loss, ultimately leading to the amnesia like state that so many have been in.

The prevention for the memory loss was simple though, you just needed to stay in contact with people. Depending on your bond with a person a simple bond or phone call would be enough to bring you back to clarity and let you go about your day, for others you would need to physically see them and touch them in order to feel clear again. Tsukishima didn’t go so far as to think it was all a conspiracy (he was a skeptic, not stupid) but it did all seem too easy and simple to think that human contact was the solution to this particular problem. After all, wasn’t it usually the cause?

Still, the information was helpful to know. A person could tell when the Haze was slowly settling over them, it usually came slowly, wrapping itself around a person like a blanket with a false sense of security. When Tsukishima felt it he pulled out his phone and usually texted Yamaguchi right away, he was his best friend after all. There were other times when he received a text or a call from family members and even on occasion his old teammates form Karasuno, if for whatever reason the government wanted to scare people into being social it definitely worked.

Since the discovery, people were trying harder to make connections with those who they saw every day, making an effort to get to know the co-worker in the office across from them, the fellow train rider they saw every morning, or the student they sat next to. No one wanted to be in a situation where they completely alone and vulnerable. Even Tsukishima had made some new friends in the past year, although he wouldn’t really call them friends it was of no surprise to him that his view of their relationship mattered little.

“Tsukki!” As the saying went, speak of the devil and he shall appear, or devils in this case. Kuroo had called him over while Bokuto had stood up, waving his hands wildly just in case the blonde hadn’t spotted them in the cafeteria. Tsukishima had learned the hard way that ignoring them just cause a bigger scene, so their lunch dates had become a regular occurrence once they had discovered they all attended the same college.

“You know you can still run away.” Another familiar voice spoke beside him and Tsukishima turned to see that Akaashi had quietly appeared beside him. “I don’t have that luxury, you should save yourself.”

“Kuroo threatened to break out into a song and dance number in the middle of the cafeteria if I blatantly ignored them again. That would be worse than sitting through another lunch.” Despite their rather harsh words, the two shared a smile before heading over to the table where Kuroo and Bokuto were deep in discussion about the merits of croutons on salad."

“I mean really bro, what are they there for? Is a salad supposed to look pretty?”

“It’s not about the aesthetic value of the salad. It’s there for the crunch factor.”

Bokuto scrunched his face slightly before taking a bite of the sandwich in his hands and replying with a slightly muffled, “But what if I don’t want my salad to be crunchy?”

“Please don’t talk with your mouth full, Bokuto.” Akaashi reminded the older man of basic table manners as he and Tsukishima reached the table and set down their bags. Bokuto’s face lit up at the appearance of Akkashi and he did indeed swallow before greeting them.

“I thought you said you couldn’t make lunch today?”

“My meeting was cancelled, or I should say my professor was forgetting things so he was sent home for the day.”

“He was forgetting things on a Monday?” Kuroo questioned while he stabbed another crouton with his fork and waved it in front of Bokuto’s face before eating it.

“Apparently he was here all weekend working on his own projects. Didn’t go home to see his family or really be in contact with them, the secretary didn’t seem too surprised that they had to tell him to go home.” Akaashi shrugged lightly as he finished explaining.

“I think I’d forget things too if I didn’t see you for the weekend.” Bokuto commented with a slight pout as he tried to get Akaashi’s attention and it did work to some degree as Akaashi smiled and leaned over to place a kiss on his cheek.

“Bro, would you miss me?” Kuroo feigned a look of hurt and worry as he placed a hand over his heart.

“I always see you in my dreams, bro.” Bokuto replied as he reached his free hand across the table for Kuroo to grab and he indeed did, complete with tears brimming at the corners of his eyes as they held hands.

“On that note, I’m getting something to eat.” Tsukishima having had his close up observation of public displays of affection for the day stood back up and started to walk over to the main section of the cafeteria.

“Wait, I’ll go with you.” Kuroo let go of Bokuto’s hand and pushed the remains of his salad off to the side. “The rest of that is just soggy lettuce.” The two began to walk through the cafeteria, leaving Akaashi and Bokuto to their own lunches, and probably a few more kisses.

“By the way, you had your hand on the wrong side.”

“What?”

“When you were fake clutching your heart, your hand was on your right side instead of your left.”

Kuroo was silent for a few seconds before he threw his arm around Tsukishima and pulled him in for a rather awkward side hug. “I think I’d lose my head if it wasn’t for you, Tsukki!”

“I think you’d be just fine.” He frowned as he attempted to extract himself from the older man’s grip. “You have your bro and your boyfriend, don’t you?” It was no secret that the three men Tsukishima had found himself having lunch with for almost a year were all in a relationship together. The trio didn’t exactly broadcast it around the school, but they didn’t deny it when people asked. Plus both Kuroo and Bokuto were so open and free with their displays of affection that there would have probably been a lot more rumors of cheating if they had tried to hide it.

It was something that they all claim just happened naturally in the wake of the Haze Effect and the mild panic that ensued last year. They were all already friends beforehand and had spent a fair amount of time together both in and outside of classes. In various weekends and long stretches of time actually spent apart, all three of them found themselves coming down with the Haze, a little faster and more aggressive than normal the longer they spent apart. When they all figured out that they were each other’s ‘cures’ for those particular bouts being in a relationship just seemed like the next logical step.

Admittedly, Tsukishima had rolled his eyes at their explanation but decided to say little else. It was their decision after all. It seemed like a rather stupid reason to enter a relationship together, but he knew that was his own opinion. What really annoyed him most about the whole thing was that Kuroo had been constantly bringing up the fact that he wouldn’t mind adding Tsukishima to the mix for the last six months or so, and that Akaashi and Bokuto offered no objections. Bokuto hurriedly agreed to the idea whenever Kuroo mentioned it around him and Akaashi would simply state something along the lines of, “If that’s what Tsukishima wants”.

The fact that Kuroo brought it up so much made him think the whole thing was just another one of his jokes, something to rile him up to a degree. Tsukishima met these comments with his usual brand of annoyance and glares and then the subject was dropped, although the idea still weighed on his mind from time to time. It wasn’t like he was in the same boat as them to avoid the Haze, he had his family and best friend for that, those were the only people he needed. Still, it wasn’t like he had been away from any of them long enough to discover whether or not they did have an effect on him.

These thoughts were running through his head as they moved through the line to pay, Tsukishima absentmindly grabbing a few items to eat as Kuroo’s chatter filled the background until he heard his name. He turned his head to find Kuroo looking at him with a touch of concern in his eyes while eloquently replying with a, “Huh?”

“I asked if you were okay. You seemed out of it.”

“Oh, yeah. I’m fine, just thinking about things.”

A beat or two of silence before Kuroo finally prodded again, “Are you really okay?”

Tsukishima sighed before answering, “I had a long phone call with my mother on Friday and I was texting Yamaguchi on and off yesterday. I’m fine, Kuroo.” For whatever reason, Kuroo always seemed concerned that Tsukishima was in danger of being strongly affected by the Haze. It was probably because he was aware that Tsukishima really didn’t have any close friends around campus, or any friends at all aside from those three. Tsukishima just needed to send a quick text when he felt confused though, nothing more.

“You know you can rely on us too, right?” Tsukishima said nothing as he paid for his food. “It’s not like there’s a limit to how many numbers you can have on your emergency contact card. Plus, I think it would just be safer if you had some people who were, you know in the same city in case something would happen.”

“Nothing will happen Kuroo. I’ve never had a serious episode.”

“What happens if one you do and then can’t get a hold of your family or Yamaguchi? Wouldn’t you rather have someone you know at least take care of you until they get here rather than be stuck in some hospital?”

Okay, he had a point there. He seemed to be really aggressive about him adding their numbers to his card though and a thought crossed Tsukishima’s mind as they sat back down at the table. “Is this about the rest of this week?”

“Honestly? Yes.” Kuroo looked so serious, it was a little odd. “Please, if nothing else it will make me feel better. Please, Tsukishima.” The two stared each other down for a few moments when Akaashi and Bokuto watched in silence, until Tsukishima finally sighed and pulled out his card and phone and proceeded to add all three of their numbers to it.

The emergency contact cards were something they had started recommending people carry with them at all times a few months ago, mainly so that potential memory lapses could be resolved quickly and the overcrowding of hospitals could be avoided once again. It was basically a list of numbers of who to call in the event that you found a person in an advanced state of Haze. Tsukishima showed his card to Kuroo with a frown on his own face and asked, “Happy?” before clipping it back to the zipper of his backpack.

“Over the moon, thank you Tsukki.” He did look a little more relaxed as he sat back down to start eating his lunch. “Now I can focus on my work and make sure we get an A on this.” Bokuto reach over and high fived Kuroo loudly as they began to chat about their project they would be working on the rest of the week. The three of them were taking of the needed generals together and had a rather large assignment due next week so they would be taking their lunch time to work on it. Tsukishima tuned out their chatter as he began to eat his own sandwich, but didn’t miss the small smile that Akaashi gave in his direction. It wasn’t like he was worried, he would see them all again Saturday since they’d already made plans to meet up for breakfast. Going four days without really seeing any of them wouldn’t kill him, right? Right?

 

\-----------------------------------------------

The first day was fine. It felt a little weird to eat lunch by himself, but it wasn’t like it was a task he was unfamiliar or uncomfortable with. Put on your headphones and eat, two easy steps. His classes were normal since he didn’t see any of the other three throughout the day either and the afternoon spent doing homework in his room wasn’t anything new either. It was that night though that something began to feel off.

Tsukishima felt the beginnings of a Haze start, a sort of spacey and tired feeling, like you want to lie down and take a nap but don’t want to at the same time. He blinked hard a few times and stood up from his chair to do a few stretches, maybe he’d just been sitting too long. The feeling was still lingering after another hour though. He pulled out his phone and stared at his contacts for a moment before pulling up his conversation with Yamaguchi and sending a quick text his way. The two talked back and forth for most of the night and Tsukishima did feel some of the Haze subside. Maybe it was just an extra bout of the typical college blues and stress making this one feel worse that had to be it. He went to bed that night with that thought in mind and confident in the fact that he would wake up with a clear head in the morning.

That didn’t happen.

In fact, Tsukishima woke up feeling even worse than the night before. He had to re-pack his backpack three or four times and kept forgetting if he even had his glasses on. He called home quickly before leaving class, figuring even a short conversation with his mom would clear his head, but as he hung up nothing felt different. The blonde shook his head rather violently, as if that would clear it, and while he probably should have just stayed in bed there was no reason to miss class. He was fine after all.

The walk through campus was slow and sluggish, Tsukishima found himself stopping every so often to even remember where he was going. Shit. What was this feeling? Why was he feeling like this? His Haze was never this bad, never this severe. He found a bench and lowered himself onto it as he pulled his phone out ready to call Yamaguchi this time even if he was in class too. He didn’t know his password though, he couldn’t open his phone. Wait, was this even his phone? It looked familiar but he should know the password to his own phone, right?

Wait.

Where was he even? Tsukishima looked up at his surroundings for some sort of landmark, but nothing looked familiar. Maybe there was a map or something. He was about to stand up when someone approached him. “Hey, are you alright?” the feminine voice asked.

“I-uh, yeah. I think so…” Tsukishima even seemed unsure of his words, but he saw a look of silent communication pass between the two other people the girl was with. What was that about?

“Hey,” her voice was gentler this time and she squatted down so she could see his face a little better. “can you tell me your name?”

Of course he could, he knew his own name after all. It was….it was….nothing. Nothing was coming to mind. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, as if stalling for time to see if it would come to him.

It didn’t. 

He didn’t know his name. He didn’t even know his goddamn name. What the hell happened?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> on this week's episode of i didn't even know i shipped it, we welcome this was supposed to be a one shot! 
> 
> also inspiration for this fic and it's super odd premise and world come from the song hazy by rosi golan. listen to it and think of any ship, it will work. 
> 
> i have a tumblr: http://themintpen.tumblr.com/


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhhh, thank you all so much for your kudos and kind words! it's seriously awesome to hear that people are liking this and enjoying the setting. <3
> 
> i have a tumblr: http://themintpen.tumblr.com

### Chapter Text

“Where’s his card? Do you see it-don’t go digging into his pocket!”

“What? It might be in his wallet or something.”

“It’s clipped to his bag!”

“Oh.”

Tsukishima sat there in a daze as the strange group of people huddled around him with obvious looks of concern on their faces. Normally, he would have probably snapped at these people invading his person space and gotten out of the situation immediately and while a little part of him was wanting to do that, he just sat there trying to work himself out of the grogginess he was feeling. His eyes followed the first girl who had talked to him as he grabbed his card and started dialing the first number she saw. It rang a few times before it sounded like the other person on the end picked up. “Oh, hi! I’m here with…” she paused as she read his name off the card, “Tsukishima. I think he-oh, oh sure.” She looked a little confused as he handed her phone to him, “Here, he wants to talk to you.”

Tsukishima took the phone but was rather puzzled himself, why would a person he didn’t even know want to talk with him? “Hello?”

“Tsukki? Are you okay?” The voice on the other end of the line was familiar, but he couldn’t quite place where he’d heard it before. Perhaps on the TV or radio? The voice definitely sounded like it could easily belong to a late night talk show. “Tsukki?” It prompted again. Was that…was that his name? The girl had said something like that when she was talking on the phone earlier.

“Y…yeah. I’m okay. I think.” The other voice on the end let out a loud sigh that could only described as relieved.

“Damn am I glad I forced you to add our numbers.” The voice took a breath before continuing, “What are you up to right now?”

“I…” Tsukishima blinked a few times and glanced down at his backpack, yes that was his backpack. “I was going to class. I think…something about…” he trailed off and squeezed his eyes shut, willing the thick soupy feeling in his head to go away, “myths.”

“Yeah, you have a mythology lecture this morning. You’re always telling us how the professor doesn’t know anything and is the biggest idiot you’ve ever seen, and you hang out with us.”

“He…he doesn’t even know the difference between the Roman names and Greek names! There’s a difference!”

The voice laughed, “Tsukki, you get fired up about the weirdest things.”

The laugh was what did it. Although neither party would realize it at that moment, the laugh was what brought Tsukishima back to the ground, back to reality. “Kuroo?”

“Yeah?”

“Why am I talking to you on a stranger’s phone?”

“Because you missed me soooooooooooo much that you were simply going crazy without-“ Tsukishima promptly hung up before Kuroo could finished his sentence and handed the girl back her phone without looking her straight in the eyes. It was safe to say he was a tiny bit embarrassed at being in that situation.

“Thanks.” He mumbled quickly, some of the other members in the group weren’t even sure if they’d heard it, and he picked up his backpack and walked briskly away. Tsukishima sighed, the only thought going through his mind was the constant looping of ‘ _Shitshitshitshitshitshit.’_

\-----------------------------------------------

The rest of Tsukishima’s day passed rather uneventfully, despite the rather ‘exciting’ start and the dull headache that persisted throughout his classes it could have been just another Tuesday. He was more than ready to get back home and collapse for an hour or two before doing anything productive, but a familiar figure sitting on a bench outside of the building he’d just left but a stop to those plans.

“I figured I would be the best choice.”

“You figured right, as usual.” Akaashi smiled gently up at him, with him sitting the difference in their heights was even more pronounced. Tsukishima didn’t want to talk about it, what was there to talk about anyway? It was probably just a fluke, a side effect of him getting sick or something. There was a completely rational explanation for the fact that hearing Kuroo’s voice had brought him out of haze and just seeing Akaashi was slowly causing the pain in his head to fade.

There had to be some sort of explanation.

“Are you feeling alright?” Tsukishima shoved his hands further in his pockets, but nodded.

“I had a headache, but it seems to be passing.”

“Good. I’m glad our numbers were on your card.”

“They would have just called Yamaguchi.”

“Your haze has never been that bad though, Tsukishima.” He said nothing in response and looked away from Akaashi’s stare, it was both piercing and gentle at the same time. Then again that statement could be used to describe Akaashi in general. “That haze, it’s like what I go through when I haven’t seen Bokuto or Kuroo.” Tsukishima just shook his head, as if that little denial would be enough. “I’m not saying that’s the case for you, it’s just my own personal experience.” Akaashi stood up from the bench as he moved onto a different topic, “You should come over for dinner.”

“Don’t you guys have your project?”

“You really think I could get Kuroo and Bokuto to work on a project the entire day? I’m lucky I managed to get the few hours I could out of them today.” He started walking, not waiting to hear a refusal or acceptation of his invitation. “Come over, Tsukishima. We’ve been worried about you and if you don’t come over I may have to lock both of them out of the bedroom so I can get some sleep tonight.”

He shouldn’t. There was no real reason to go, it wasn’t like seeing Bokuto would banish the rest of his headache and grogginess. Sleep would do that, sleep in his own bed. Still, it wasn’t like he was really in a position to say no to Akaashi since it seemed like he’d already decided that Tsukishima had accepted.

\-----------------------------------------------

“Why did you buy them if you don’t even like them?”

“I never said I didn’t like them! I just don’t like them on salad.”

“Are you going to just eat them out of the bag?”

“Maybe. Why not? They’re still croutons.”

“Bro.”

As they entered the apartment the three men shared it sounded as though Tsukishima and Akaashi had walked into another heated discussion about croutons. “Are they seriously still arguing about this?” Akaashi just smiled at his question that was answer enough. After setting his bag down, he followed Akaashi into the kitchen and was immediately engulfed in a pair of strong arms as soon as he entered.

“Tsukki! I’m so glad you’re alright!” He was both caught off guard and slightly winded by the sudden surprise Bokuto hug, hanging around the older man it was something Tsukishima had gotten used to rather quickly, although he thankfully did try to respect Tsukishima’s personal space at least half of the time.  

“Thank you Bokuto, but I would kind of like to breathe…”

“Oh! Sorry!” he pulled away slightly and gave Tsukishima a huge smile. Now, anyone else would probably be happy if they felt whatever tiredness that was blanketing them just disappear, Tsukishima Kei was not like anyone else though. He knew what had caused the last of his haze to leave, or rather who had caused it.

No. No. It wasn’t true. It couldn’t be. _How could it be true?_

He must have stood there in utter silence for a few moments since Kuroo spoke up from his seat at the table. “You alright? The after-effects still getting to you?”

“You mentioned you had a headache.” Akaashi spoke from the cabinet door his face was currently behind, getting down a few plates for the pizza they had ordered a little bit ago. “Did you want to take something?”

“You have a headache? Want a neck massage?”

“Ah, no.” Tsukishima shook his head rapidly. “I’m alright. Just tired.” That wasn’t a complete lie, he just wasn’t as tired as he had been twenty minute ago. He heard the other three continue to talk around him as he felt himself sink down into one of the seats around their kitchen table, it was just background noise to him though as he continued to try and process things and find some sort of rational reasoning for all of this. After a few more moments of his silence he finally felt Kuroo just staring at him, saying nothing himself, just staring with those slightly unnerving eyes. “What?”

“Nothing, nothing. Just wondering what you were thinking about that’s all.”

“It’s nothing that concerns you.”

“You sure about that, Tsukki?” He probably made a mistake not answering right away, there was a slight change in Kuroo’s look and it even seemed like Akaashi and Bokuto were listening closer as there was a small pause before Tsukishima finally denied him.

“Of course I’m sure, with your ego you just think you occupy everyone’s thoughts.”

“Well, I can’t help that if it’s true.”

The conversation seemed to flow back into something more natural and typical, they shared what they had planned for the project and Bokuto tried to get him to agree that a potato clock was indeed a great idea and that they really should have considered it more and Akaashi sighed before he reminded Bokuto that they were not in elementary school and they were expected to be a little more advanced at the college level. Tsukishima couldn’t help but snicker as it sounded like they had been having this conversation all day. Sure, he felt relaxed around the other three, it was probably because he’d known them for so long. That had to be it. All of his after-effects had probably just disappeared at the same time that he’d seen them, his friends.

That’s all it was. There was all the rational reasoning he needed. He could hang out with them tonight and then not see them the rest of week as was the original plan, and things would be alright. Tsukishima accepted this and felt himself relax more and was able to focus on…well nothing. He was just able to have a night where he was comfortable around other people, and other people who were comfortable with who he was.

That was what friends were after all.


	3. Chapter 3

Tsukishima was a private person; that was no secret. However, there was a level that even he took his secrets, a deeper level that he was even reluctant to tell his best friend. Perhaps it was more fear than reluctance, then again he would never admit that even to himself. This particular secret was something he didn’t get to do quite often, but it was possible the best stress reliever he had ever discovered but he couldn’t bring himself to actually to it on campus, although that would have made the most sense. Tsukishima was a relatively practical person most of the time though, he could afford to have his moments of nonsensical behavior. Plus it seemed like the only person he was always attempting to justify it to was himself.

Still, a bus ride and a five block walk later, he was at a dance studio.

During the first month into his freshman year (a period socially he would have been more than happy to forget, thank you very much) he had sort of stumbled on the fact that he had a talent for dancing, and that he enjoyed it. Tsukishima kept waiting for the inevitable enjoyment of the activity to wear off, for the task to become a chore rather than a joy, but it hadn’t happened. In his second semester he had found out about a dance studio downtown that kept their doors open after classes were done so members could come in and well, dance. It was the fastest ten dollars a month Tsukishima had ever agreed to pay. While he didn’t get there as much as he would like, there were certain times when a person just needed their release, and to not think about the reason for wanting that release.

He gave a short nod to the woman behind the desk in the front and wandered back to the locker rooms to change and put his own bag away. There were a series of private practice rooms scattered throughout the building and most of those were taken at night, but if one of the bigger group rooms were free Tsukishima preferred to grab that. There was just something about being alone in that room, surrounding by nothing but himself in the mirrors and the music pounding in his ears as he moved, it was honestly an indescribable feeling.

He was pleased to find his usual choice free of any other dancers and adjusted his headphones before turning on a playlist to stretch to before tucking his phone into the pocket of his shorts. The act of mindless stretching gave him too much freedom to think though, for his mind to wander to the one particular issue that he didn’t want to think about. Because it wasn’t a big deal. That was why. The blond found himself glaring at his reflection in the mirror as he leaned over to his right side, as if that would stop him from thinking about the whole haziness business that had transpired earlier that week.

Since that rather eventful Tuesday, Tsukishma had found himself in the company of at least one of the three older males at varying points throughout the day. Kuroo was at the coffee shop he stopped at before coming to school, Bokuto had found him during a break between classes, Akaashi had appeared at his table at the library, all little things that really shouldn’t add up to much. Perhaps if things were normal between them Tsukishima would have just brushed it off as some elaborate prank that Kuroo and Bokuto were attempting to play on him (running into Akaashi at the library wasn’t _that_ strange after all) but he was so…so…conscious of them now. It was like he was on high alert whenever any of them were within a ten mile radius of him.

He hated this feeling.

He shouldn’t have this feeling.

Was it even a feeling? Could it be described as a feeling? Maybe it was just aftershocks of his haze that was the most logical conclusion. In fact that was the same logical conclusion that Tsukishima had come to about eight hundred times throughout the week, for not wanting to think about the events he was thinking about them a lot.

No, this wasn’t him. He didn’t get hung up on pointless shit like this, things would be back to normal next week. It was just aftershocks. Side-effects. Whatever medical bullshit you wanted to call it, that was what it was. Tsukishima nodded to himself in the mirror and stretched from the floor to the above his head once more before pulling out his phone and switching to a different playlist.

It wasn’t long before the comforting bass filled his ears and he was quick to start moving with the beat of the song. He was fluid, a fluid dancer. That was probably the least helpful and least appealing way to describe his style, but it fit in his mind, with long limbs it was probably better to be fluid anyway. Tsukishima had never really settled on a particular style of dance even after a year or so or doing it. He’d taken a few technical classes here and there but he had hated the idea of being confined to one style in dancing, being only seen as one thing, one skill. He also simply preferred to dance on his own for fun rather than in a large group with other people that should not be attempting to roll their bodies.

As if thinking about the move commanded his own body to execute it, Tsukishima found himself throwing in a few of his own body rolls before moving into a series of turns. He was working on getting the number of consecutives up higher, but that was something that was a little difficult when you didn’t dance every day. Still, being able to manage about three and half was nothing to be too ashamed of. He continued to move around the room, using the whole space with only the music in his ears and glancing at his form in the mirror occasionally. The music eventually faded out and he stood there slightly out of breath with a red tint blossoming on his cheeks. There, he at least felt a little better now, he still had plenty of energy and songs left to continue though. Tsukishima walked over to grab his water bottle and a towel lying on the floor, turning the music down ever so slightly as the next song started and he was startled to hear the sound of the studio door being slammed shut.

He turned to look at it, seeing if someone else had rather rudely entered, but there was no one there. The door itself was in the corner, away from both the mirrors and where Tsukishima had been dancing so it’s not like he would have noticed anyone coming in anyway. Curiosity (and concern for his own safety this late at night) got the better of him though as the man slowly walked over to the door and pulled it open just enough to peek his own head out to take a look around the hall.

It was empty.

It had probably just been one of the cleaning crew who had left when they saw someone still using the studio, that was the most logical explanation after all, and it had happened to Tsukishma before. Numerous times in fact. With one last glance he pulled the door shut again and went back to the task of clearing his head, which was proving to be more difficult as of late. So, he did was any self-preserving person would do, turn up his music louder in order to even drown out his own thoughts.

 

\-----------------------------------------------

“No.”

“You don’t even know what I’m going to ask!”

“With you the safest answer is no.”

Kuroo feigned a look of hurt as Tsukishima slid into a seat at the table. It was Friday afternoon and the other three has just finished turning in their project so they had invited Tsukishima out to a celebratory lunch. Little had he known there appeared to be some strings attached to it. 

“What if it’s something _really_ cool, Tsukki? Like _SUPER_ cool?”

“Not even then Bokuto, especially if you’re endorsing it.” Bokuto looked as though he were going to start pouting before throwing an arm around Akaashi, who had been silently sipping his drink and simply observing the situation, pulling him closer and asking,

“Well, what if Akaashi endorses it? What about then?”

Tsukishima narrowed his eyes and replied, “I would hope Akaashi would know better than to endorse anything you two think is a good idea.” However, Akaashi didn’t join Tsukishima in shooting down whatever idea Bokuto and Kuroo had come up. In fact he actually avoided looking directly at Tsukishima for a moment or two. “Seriously, Akaashi? Was the science experiment on you?”

“There’s no chance of anyone seriously injuring themselves or dying with this one. Or exotic animals. Or cottage cheese.” Kuroo and Bokuto grinned and high fived at the last one, Akaashi did glare at them for that for a moment before continuing. “I don’t really see any downsides to it.” He shrugged as he finished speaking and took another sip of his drink. Tsukishima closed his eyes tightly and let out a sigh finding two expectant looking faces staring at him when he opened them.

“See? See, Tsukki? If Akaashi says there are no downsides then it’s an awesome idea!” Bokuto reached across and patted Tsukishima on the shoulder, acting as if that sealed the deal and he had agreed to whatever was going on. Still, what Bokuto said was true, being in a relationship with Akaashi and having him around to veto their stupid ideas was probably the entire reason neither of them had been kicked out of college. He looked over to lock gazes with Kuroo for a few moments, trying to see if he could gauge the true stupidity of the request, but the bastard was hiding it well.

“Fine.” He let out another sigh as Bokuto cheered and Akaashi smiled behind his cup. “I’ll bite.”

“Oh, will you now?”

“Yeah, and probably not where you want it.”

Kuroo held up his hands in a motion of peace and then spoke probably the last words Tsukishima was expecting to hear from him. “We’re all going to a party tonight.”

“…and?"

“We’re going to have a fucking awesome time.”

“A party? Seriously?” Tsukishima turned to look at the other two men sitting across from them, searching both of their faces for the punchline. “Akaashi, it’s seriously just a party?”

He nodded. “I know the host so I checked with him too. It’s nothing weird like a costume or kink party or something.”

“One time, Akaashi!” Akaashi threw Kuroo a dirty look before continuing.

“It’s seriously just a party. We all need to unwind after that project and figured we would invite you as well. You’ve had an interesting week too.”

Bokuto leaned across the table and started to speak, “Yeah, plus your hips are-“ It appeared as though he was simultaneously kicked underneath the table by Kuroo and had his mouth covered quickly by Akaahi’s hand. Tsukishima’s senses were suddenly on even higher alert.

“My what are what?”

“Nothing. He was just babbling, right Bo?” Kuroo was speaking in a slightly stiff tone and Akaashi was glaring at Bokuto out of the corner of his eye, as if he was daring him to finish his thought from earlier. When the hand was finally removed Bokuto laughed awkwardly and nodded.

“Y-yeah! I was gonna say your chips are gone! Did you want more, I’ll totally flag down the waiter.”

“I didn’t order chips.”

“R-really? My bad then! Must have been my chips I was thinking about.”

“You didn’t order any either.”

“T-then I’m going to order some right now!” As if he needed to prove that he was indeed going to order chips, Bokuto yelled across the restaurant to their waiter, waving his arms wildly to get his attention.

“And this is him without alcohol, can’t wait to see him tonight then.” Akaashi smiled softly at Tsukishima in response and Kuroo threw an arm around his shoulders, comfortably leaving it there as he leaned over to pick a stray strawberry from his plate.

“Oh, I think you’re going to have a great time tonight, Tsuki.” Tsukishima couldn’t help but shiver slightly when he suddenly felt like prey caught by a hunter under Kuroo’s gaze. He also couldn’t help but shiver because the feeling wasn’t entirely unwelcome. “I know we’re going to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> raise your hand if you have no idea where this is going.
> 
> also, this was the piece tsukishima was dancing to (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AmFzVVk6F8Y).


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, hey there strangers! Long story short, writer's block hit when I was like 85% done with this chapter. I'm still not completely satisfied with how it turned out (how do i sexual tension if that's what i even did) but hey! I've kept you all waiting long enough. <3

 

“ _You’re_ going to a party? Voluntarily?”

Tsukishima frowned as he combed through a drawer in his closet with one hand and held onto his cell phone with the other. “Depends on your definition of voluntarily.” Yamaguchi laughed on the other end of the line.

“It usually means that someone isn’t holding a gun to your head or blackmailing you. Neither of those scenarios have happened lately, have they?”

“You know I would prefer being dragged to this party against my will rather than do something like go there myself.” His frown deepened as he looked through the various pairs of jeans that were laying in the drawer, the black pair he wanted was of course hiding. “Plus, it was better for my sanity that I agreed to go.”

“Uh huh, your sanity.”

“Shut up, Yamaguchi.” Yamaguchi laughed, already knowing about Tsukishima’s relationship with their former rivals. He choose to read a lot more into their interactions with Tsukishima (“You mean they _want_ to hang out with you, Tsukki?”) and enjoyed poking fun as the unlikely friendships that had formed. “I’m going to get enough heckling at the party tonight.”

“Come on.” The sound of rustling papers could be heard in the background. “Aren’t you looking forward to it even a little? How long has it been since you’ve had a break?”

“I took a break the other day.”

“I mean with people. Took a break with other people.”

“I take breaks to avoid other people.”

“You avoid other people period.”

“I wish they would do the same.” Tsukishima muttered his last statement as he stood up and began searching the shelf in his closet for the black jeans instead. Had they collapsed on themselves and created their own black hole?

“Tsukki, if you really didn’t want to go you would have backed out by now.” He really couldn’t say anything in response to that, Yamaguchi was right as always. “Go have some fun, that’s okay once in a while, you know?”

Tsukishima let out a triumphant little huff as he finally found the damned pants. “I should say the same to you.”

“Excuse you, I went out on a date the other night.”

“Watching old cartoons with Yachi on a Tuesday night does not count as a date.”

“And since when are you the love guru?”

Tsukishima couldn’t help but snort, “Dear god, have you been talking to Kuroo lately? Don’t you start talking like that as well.” The two friends talked for a little while longer before Yamaguchi could procrastinate on his homework no longer and Tsukishima had to get ready to leave. He felt better after hanging up, that was the effect his best friend had on him after all. Yamaguchi had been right after all, Tsukishima was looking forward to the party.

But only a little.

When you looked forward to something on a little, you took extra care in your appearance, right? You searched for a pair of jeans that you know your ass looked good in for about twenty-five minutes rather than wearing sweats like your attitude suggested you should. You stood at your closet debating between a few shirts (that looked shockingly similar, let’s be honest) before choosing a completely different one that you had thrown out of the running only minutes before. This all happened if you were only mildly excited about attending an event. Right?

 

 

\-----------------------------------------------

“Kuroo! They have croutons!”

“Bokuto…those are pretzels.” Bokuto stared at the bag, which was indeed pretzels, as if it offended him and his entire family for a few solid seconds before walking away shouting something about betrayal and snack food imposters. Akaashi quickly followed him to hopefully redirect his attention elsewhere before his boyfriend tried to drag another innocent party guest into the great crouton versus pretzel debate of 2016.

Tsukishima took a sip of his own drink before asking, “How is he that drunk already?”

Kuroo smirked in response as he watched the other two men navigate through the crowd. “Oh, Bo isn’t that drunk yet. He just goes through these weird phases, you know? Like this one time he was obsessed with collected buttons.”

“Like merchandise buttons?”

“No, like these buttons.” As Kuroo spoke he reached out and fingered on of the buttons on Tsukishima’s open button up, the one closest to his neck. If either of them noticed Kuroo’s fingers lingering a little too long and a little too close to Tsukishima’s bare skin, they choose not to say anything. The moment was over as soon as it had started when Kuroo took his hand away and continued his story. “His obsession was quickly over when Akaashi tripped over a cardboard box full of them in the middle of the night. We made him donate them all to a craft store.” Tsukishima stared at Kuroo, his cup poised just at his lips and his brain turning over and over trying to figure out whether or not this story was actually true. The sad thing was, it mostly likely was.

“You all manage to make the most mundane things eventful.”

“And yet you still don’t want to join in on the fun?”

“I’ll make my own fun, thank you.”

Kuroo looked as though he was about to say something else when a sudden change in the song cause his own expression to shift as it looked like he had an idea. “Well, come make your own fun with me.” He didn’t wait for any sort of reply but set their cups down on a nearby table and dragged Tsukishima out onto the makeshift dance floor. Very loud and angry protests could be vaguely heard as the blonde attempted to shout above the music, but Kuroo’s vice like grip on his hands were making it impossible to move. Plus, his goddamn smirk was making it clear he could hear Tsukishima’s protests, but there was little chance he was going to listen to them.

It wasn’t long before they were in the middle of the crowd of people, a good half of them were drunk out of their minds and they certainly smelled like it, the strangest thing was Tsukishima didn’t really notice that after a few moments. Sure, right away he felt every claustrophobic bump and touch, every sweaty arm or hand brush up against him, he felt like he was drowning in a sea of alcohol and cheap cologne and he even closed his eyes to try and picture himself anywhere else, anywhere but here.

Suddenly it was all gone though.

He opened his eyes quickly and still found himself in the middle of the crowd, the bass still vibrating in the floor and the walls, but the only difference was that Kuroo had moved Tsukishima’s hands to rest on his shoulders and he’s placed his own just above Tsukishima’s hips. He was staring….just staring again, like Tsukishima was the only other person in the room, and it certainly felt that way. It was like the crowd around them just faded into background noise, a slight murmur at the edge of his hearing.

It was surreal.

It was…it was beyond words.

Tsukishima found himself unable to retain direct eye contact with Kuroo while they danced, his partner didn’t have that problem though no matter how many times Tsukishima looked away rapidly. While he found himself settling comfortably in the rhythm of the music and the sway of the hips, his heart beat was anything but calm. The entire time he was expecting Kuroo to make some little quip or comment about his appearance, his blushing cheeks, his rapid heartbeat that was pounding in his ears, his hands fidgeting and dancing on Kuroo’s shoulders as much as his own body was. He just stared though, almost as if he was intent on memorizing every inch of Tsukishima.

Then the song was over.

Just like that.

A much faster dance beat started up and Tsukishima realized where they were again and turned around to escape back to the safety of the wall when Bokuto and Akaashi appeared to block his path and to drag him into some sort of dance with all four of them. Dancing was probably the farthest term to describe what they were doing, but despite all of that Tsukishima found himself having fun. He was smiling, moving like he did in the privacy of the dance studio without really noticing it. When he pulled of a particular turn Bokuto let out a cheer and yelled over the noise,

“You’re even better to watch close up, Tsukki!” Tsukishima frowned and slowed down a little as he processed the words Bokuto had just said out loud. Close up?

“What are you talking about?” He yelled back and watched as Kuroo and Akaashi shared a look before Kuroo nodded. Akaashi sighed and shook his head before leaning over to speak directly into Tsukishima’s ear to avoid shouting.

“Bokuto goes to the same studio you do.”

“…oh.” Well, that certainly explained a few things. “Wait,” Tsukishima spoke up again and frowned directly at Bokuto this time, “does this mean you’ve been watching me dance?”

“No, no, Tsukki! Just the one time, I swear I’m not a stalker!” Bokuto held up his hands in a halt motion and tried to avoid digging a deeper hole than the one he currently might be in. “I saw you go into the room and was going to talk to you but you were already dancing so I just kind of…”

“You watched.”

“Y-yeah.”

Tsukishima let out a sigh himself, it could have been worse though. Not that he wanted anyone to really found out about the whole dancing thing in the first place, but if it was these three…that was at least partially okay. Despite the whole situation Tsukishima couldn’t help but start laughing, it was truly ridiculous.

“Oh my god, did he snap? Did he finally lose it?” Kuroo couldn’t help smirk a little himself as he spoke, watching Bokuto flail around believing for moment that he did indeed have a hand in causing Tsukishima to break down in laughter. Akaashi placed a hand on Bokuto’s shoulder, but couldn’t help the few short bouts of laughter that left his own mouth.

It was so ridiculous.

And Tsukishima found himself loving every single ridiculous moment. He would have been more than happy to have the night continue like that, just the four of them being out and away from school, away from all the crap about Haze, away from just…everything. It could have possibly stayed that way, and it would have if Tsukishima’s freshman year didn’t show up in the form of a five foot eleven shadow.

“Well, you look like you still know how to have a good time.” A voice that dripped with false sweetness spoke into his ear and Tsukishima felt a wave of discomfort flood through him. Not here. Not now. Not ever. He never wanted to encounter Mamoru again. “Haven’t lost your touch, or ability to gather an entourage have you, Kei?” Tsukishima shivered a little at the familiarity that was still in the older man’s voice, too much familiarity for his liking. Mamoru knew too much, things Tsukishima rarely admitted to anyone, even himself. He could break this little bubble he’d settled in, pop it with a few choice words.

Mamoru threw an arm around Tsukishima’s shoulders, almost settling there possessively. The room felt small again, like he couldn’t breathe. The smile immediately fell off his face and he eyes flitted around in a panic, looking like a stupid fly caught in a spider’s web.

The three older men beside him had looks with a mix of concern and protectiveness on their own faces, all that looked to be holding them back from crowding Mamoru was Akaashi who was measuring the situation in his own way. Tsukishima couldn’t deal with this now, he couldn’t. He shoved Mamoru’s arm off and pushed his way through the crowd to try and find the door, the entire party felt like a maze now. In the distance he heard Akaashi calling after him to wait and Bokuto and Kuroo questioning the laughing Mamoru. He didn’t stop though, couldn’t stop, his feet were on autopilot and he felt like he would die if he didn’t get outside soon.

After what felt like years pushing through people, Tsukishima finally made it through the front door and outside in the night, Akaashi not far behind him. The blonde walked over to a nearby light pole and gripped it tightly as he caught his breath, Akaashi stayed just near enough in case he needed to help, but not so near that he was smothering. Still, Tsukishima could feel the concern radiating off the older man, he didn’t want this.

Bokuto and Kuroo came out of the house next, discussing how much of a dick Mamoru had been and how much they would have liked to punch his smug nose. Tsukishima had caught a decent amount of his breath, at least enough where he could talk and excuse himself to go hide out in his room for the foreseeable future.

“Tsukishima, are you alright?” Akaashi stepped forward.

“Fine. I’m just-“

“Who the hell was that?” Kuroo interrupted, his arms crossed and his voice sharp. Tsukishima didn’t like that combination.

“Just…some jackass.”

“Just some jackass, huh? Well, I think we can all agree with that. Who was he to you though?”

Tsukishima squeeze his eyes shut, this is what he didn’t want to deal with. The questions, the discussion, the pity. “Look, he’s no one okay? I’m fine and I just want to go home and go to sleep.”

“Tsukki, you should really come home with us.” Bokuto spoke up, leaning on Kuroo for support but looking a great deal more sober after the Mamoru encounter. “I’d feel better if you weren’t alone.” The other two nodded in agreement.

 “No.” He shook his head. He didn’t want to tell them and going home with them would just make that happen. “I need to shower and I want to sleep in my own bed. I just…want some time to myself.”

Kuroo frowned, “Tsukki they say you’re more susceptible to Haze after an emotional high, and I think that qualified as an emotional high. You should really-“

“Would you just shut up about the GODDAMN HAZE!” Tsukishima hadn’t meant for his voice to rise like that, but there it had. He was so sick of the Haze and of people right now, he was just sick of it all. “It’s not like it’s real! None of it’s real, none of it has ever been real!”

“Tsukki-“

“No!” He recoiled as the other three tried to step towards him, “No. It’s not real. It’s just…it’s all a fucking lie. All of it.” With another shake of his head, Tsukishima turned on his heel and walked quickly down the street, the opposite direction of where the other three would be headed. Bokuto tried calling out to him again, but whether Tsukishima ignored him or didn’t hear, he just kept on walking.

“Him and this denial of the Haze…” Kuroo trailed off as he let out a long sigh. “We need to fix it.”

“He’s not broken, Kuroo.” Akaashi spoke with a light scold, knowing what Kuroo meant but disliking his word choice.

“Right, right. We just, I don’t know, need to make him see that it is real. That is does matter.”

“How do we do that?” Bokuto was leaning on Akaashi now, looking more tired than drunk.

“I don’t know, bro. But we’re going to figure it out.”  


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shit starts to go down

He was beautiful.

Any other word felt inadequate to describe the man sitting next to him at the library, but man was definitely the right word. All muscles, and strength, and muscles, and…where was he even going with this? Tsukishima blinked a few times before quickly shifting his attention back to the textbook in front of him, he was supposed to be studying, there was an exam coming up after all. 

As if he sensed the stare that had been on him only moments earlier, the man sitting next to Tsukishima looked up from his own textbook, a gentle smile already on his face. Red settled onto his cheeks as he squirmed slightly under his gaze, why the hell was he squirming? He did not squirm. He was quick and witty, not some fifteen year old who had their first crush.

God. A crush. _God._  

Tsukishima tried to contort his face into something to mask his embarrassment, whatever it was he was sure it was completely ugly. “What?” He hated the slight crack in his voice. He hated the way his pulse was already racing a million miles an hour. He hated the way he held his breath as the other man leaned in closer, closing the tiny gap of personal space that had been between them. He hated the way he closed his eyes in anticipation of his lips…the all too familiar feeling that kept him up late at night.

He hated it.

But, god, he was beautiful.

\----------------

Tsukishima’s eyes snapped open quickly, it had all just been a dream. Again. He blindly reached around for phone and squinted at the sudden brightness to see the time. Four AM. Again. Sighing he laid back against his pillow, one arm draped over his forehead as he shut his eyes again. Ever since that damn party weeks ago, things had just been…off. He’d been having weird dreams like that every so often. Although he knew perfectly well they weren’t just dreams, but he preferred not to think about them at all after they jolted him awake in the wee hours of the morning. There was always a lingering ache somewhere on his body too. Monday it had been a headache, Tuesday it was a pain in his elbow, yesterday was a shoulder twinge, and now it seemed like his neck was today’s winner.

Knowing there was no way he would be able to get back to sleep now he threw his covers off with a groan and grabbed the aspirin bottle that was on his bedside table. That had been like an extra limb lately, not that it was doing much. It probably wasn’t terribly healthy either. Tsukishima sat up in his bed and rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands, producing that almost star-lit like sensation behind his closed lids. Phosphenes. Tsukishima had been bored during a lecture and actually looked it up on his phone. That was his life now.

Since the party he had avoided as much contact with the three older men as he could, save for answering one of the millions of texts he got. He figured that much response was safe enough that they wouldn’t be breaking down his door, but it was just enough distance where he didn’t have to think about them. Soon enough they would bored, stop trying, leave him alone. Just like he wanted.

Right?

He needed to _not_ think about it right now, his mind needed to be practically removed from his body right now. With a short nod, he finally pulled himself out of bed and threw on shorts and a t-shirt and grabbed his gym bag and wallet before heading out the door.

Heading downtown at four-thirty in the morning was drastically different compared to say four-thirty in the afternoon, but Tsukishima’s eyes weren’t even noticing the scenery that flew by the bus window. His headphones were on and his music turned up as high as he dared go, fingers tapping an anxious beat out on his knee as he headed towards the dance studio. It had been a lot time since he just wanted to sweat, to move. Perhaps this would be his new method for running away, or more accurately dancing away, from his problems. Even his own attempt at dry humor did little to amuse him though as Tsukishima stepped off the bus and headed into the studio, nodding to the practically sleeping man at the desk and almost running into one of the empty practice rooms hoping no one else was using it.

Tsukishima let out a sigh of relief as nothing but the smell of lemon floor polish filled the room. He flicked on the lights, plugged his phone into the sound system, and just let go. He honestly didn’t know many songs he went through, he just felt his body move, and move, and move. If he was concerned about where his foot should land next so he didn’t roll an ankle or where his spot was when he turned, he couldn’t think about other things.

Finally, he had to stop.

He stared at himself in the mirror, face flushed, sweat dripping, chest heaving, clothes soaked. However, that wasn’t where his eyes were focused on the other figure that was in the mirror. He was just standing the doorway, watching and it appeared waiting for whenever Tsukishima had finished. He hated that. Hated that they were always waiting for him.

“What do you want, Bokuto?” The older man looked surprised for a moment that Tsukishima even spoke to him, but the expression was gone in a moment and replaced with a calm one.

“I want to talk to you.”

“Nothing is stopping you.”

“You’re stopping me, Tsuki.” He didn’t have a response for that. Tsukishima just shrugged, still only looking at Bokuto through the mirror. “Just listen, please?” When he got no response, negative or positive, Bokuto continued. “What happened that party, whatever happened with that asshole Marmalade-“

“Mamoru.”

“Marmalade. It’s your business, none of us care about what it was-“

“That’s because you don’t know.”

“And whose fault is that?” Bokuto’s raised voiced echoed in the empty room. It shocked Tsukishima how…commanding it was. It wasn’t anger, but some other emotion, one that made you feel like you weren’t doing your part, but he was still going to help you out no matter what. Tsukishima watched as Bokuto dropped his head and rubbed the bridge of his nose, when he spoke again his voice was a little softer, with an almost pleading quality to it. “Kei.” He stiffened at the sound of his first name. “You know how much we care about you, you know. You’re just too fucking scared to admit it, let alone acknowledge it. You’re using whatever happened to you with that asshole, whatever went down in the past, against. You’re not only pushing us away, you fucking built a fortress and locked it and swallowed the key. You think we’re going to give up.” Tsukishima watched as Bokuto took a few steps into the room, separating the distance between them only slightly. “We’re not going to, none of us. We care about you too much as a friend to do that, and we’d care as so much more if you would let us try. It’s not about the Haze, it’s about all of us.”

When Tsukishima didn’t say anything, he just stared at the mirror when his jaw slightly dropped, Bokuto sighed and turned around to leave the room. He almost missed it when Tsukishima spoke. “Read Thread Café. Tonight, eight. If any of you are late or make light of things I’m not telling you anything.” Bokuto turned around with a huge smile on his face, one softer and gentler that his usual fare, but a huge one nonetheless. Tsukishima either didn’t see it or was choosing to not acknowledge it as he was walking over to turn up the music on his phone. Although his face was his normal placid and almost dis-interested look, inside a storm was raging. He was already trying to think about how he could get out of it, fake an illness, a death in the family, fucking change his name and move to a different country, _anything._ He stood at his phone for a few minutes, pretending to fiddle with a few things before he was sure Bokuto had left the room. Then he sank down to his knees and squeezed his eyes shut while muttering, “Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.” over and over like it was a mantra.

What had he done?

\----------

Tsukishima swallowed hard as he stood outside the door to the Read Thread Café, they were already there. The three of them had found a table in the corner, they had probably been there for a while, taking great care to ensure they weren’t late. He could leave. He could turn around and leave right before any of them saw him. Was he that much of a coward though? Did he really want to run away?

Before he could think too much more deeply though, he caught Akaashi’s eye through the window. He watched as Akaashi gestured with a slight nod towards him and felt Kuroo’s intense gaze and Bokuto’s expectant one focus on him as well. There was no turning back now.

Tsukishima pushed open the front door, the delightful bell signaling his entrance to the combination bookstore and café. It was a popular place to come and work, there was space whether you needed to be around people or off in some corner to really focus. Plus, and endless supply of decently priced caffeine and sugar. Normally he loved coming here, now all Tsukishima could focus on was the fact that he felt like he was going to throw up.

There was a plate of untouched scones at their table and all of three of them had drinks in front of them, there was also one in the empty set meant for him. The strawberry shortcake mocha. Tsukishima stared at the cup for what was longer than necessary before finally sliding the chair out and sitting down, taking his coat off and settling his hands on the table in a business-like fashion. “I see you all came on time.”

“I see you decided to show up.” Tsukishima’s eyes flickered to Kuroo for a brief moment, studying the somewhat unreadable expression on his face as he sat back with his arms crossed.

Akaashi sighed and shook his head, as if deciding that it wasn’t even worth it to reprimand Kuroo. “You asked us to be here on time so of course we are.” He sent a smile in Tsukishima’s direction before taking a sip of his own drink. Bokuto was the only one who, shocking, said nothing. He just smiled at Tsukishima when he looked at him.

When silence punctured the conversation once more, Tsukishima grasped the warm cup with hands and took a deep breath before speaking. “Before I tell you anything, you’re not allowed to interrupt with question or comments. No matter what I say. I don’t want to talk about this any longer than I have to.” He took the collective silence as their answer. Another deep breath, and time to dive in. “Mamoru and I, we…dated, I guess. Last year. He was a lot of my firsts, almost all of them in fact.” He looked up and made eye contact with the group before continuing, “He was my first Haze.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know when you type things out in a word doc, it always looks like there's so much more than you post it to here. anyways, new chapter! yay! and a cliffhanger! yay! hopefully it won't take another three months to learn more....hahahaha. ha. 
> 
> also read thread is pronounced like red thread would be. i like my word play. 
> 
> feel free to yell at me on tumblr: http://themintpen.tumblr.com/


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